The Monster Gene

Karma

2010-02-08T11:37:00.001-06:00

"You see that! That means we are the good guys."

I'm not sure I'm one of the good guys anymore, this should be interesting!

Yet I'm The One

2010-01-29T02:15:00.001-06:00

who thought it would be ok without a safety net.

Ravus Mundus

2010-01-22T12:00:00.002-06:00

This lack of sun is getting to me , melancholy is twisted within my soul and the rain is on the way. GREAT! Hopefully things will change soon, I saw the sun for a brief moment and thought that the revolution was here, but it's at least on the horizon.

The gods keep telling me that I need to work less, so maybe I should stop fighting them and do something more constructive with my time. That's just one of my ideas, I can get away with working less and be fine, this idea of loss in my mind from doing it just needs to go away.

Some people

2010-01-21T13:57:00.003-06:00

Just don't deserve to live cause they fail at being decent human beings.

More will be written later, but now I have to run off to hellworld.

Chain Bear

Entertain yourselves with this game I happened upon while stumbling.

I'm too easily distracted

2010-01-17T18:36:00.002-06:00

These past many days have been long and cold. I haven't been able to blog like a machine because I shacked up at Ashly and Sonya's for a week. They saved me from walking in -10 degree weather. Then someone's birthday rolled around and a wedding reception. I've come to the realization that I know too many people with birthdays and also I just know too many people! Not enough time to keep up, not even with myself. Anyways, the birthday consisted of first just hanging out. The next day it was a strip club excursion, that was an interesting experience to say the least. I was underwhelmed and some were brought to tears.

Everyone should be happy to know that I'm currently back into my going out phase. Lets try and learn these moods and stick with them mmmkay? This weekend was full of events. Friday, the designated go out night was the usual save for small hiccups, but that's not my story to tell. Saturday is wonderful reception time. My friend's Michael and Jenna got married and thus naturally I had to make an appearance. It was basically cute on a stick and just as tasty too. I danced, I laughed, and met parents that clearly knew more about me than I knew of them. Too bad my mom couldn't go, she eats this shit up!

There was going to be more to this post but alas I got distracted by my roommate and current situations. I'll probably post more about that later. I can't wait for dinner tomorrow, let us hope it happens!

Winter Week

2009-12-26T12:14:00.010-06:00

So lets start with Thursday shall we....

Everyone said it would snow, that is just something that happens around this season. I thought nothing of it. I begin my journey to work. The world looked lost and desolate , no one in sight with pitch black clouds in the sky. I should have taken heed of such an obvious warning, but alas I merrily went along to work. I get to my half way point, stopped in my tracks by the traffic light and cars zooming by me. "Oh look it's sprinkling!" My mind racing with excitement from the elements. As I'm generally amazed when it begins to do anything weather related, aside from sunny and clear skies. I get three fourths of the way to work, and it begins to start a spit fire of rain/snow. I get to work and dry off, thankful for the fact that I missed the worst of it.

All day at work I prepare myself for an onslaught of snow. This place that I usually can't wait to step out of has me begging to stay till The Gods are done with their handy work. My pride stops me from seeking out help ; it's gonna get me killed someone (just you watch). Alas, friends to the rescue - maybe they realize I wouldn't dare ask? I'm saved from my blizzard filled dreams (Not the Dairy Queen kind) as I step into the moving fortress. The world around me covered in white. The flakes mimic debris as we pass five people, one holding a baby, on the street waiting for a bus out of their current existence. "I saw a man walking down the street and wanted to pick him up, but then I realized I can't pick everyone up." Michael says calmly. I ponder this statement, wondering why we actually live in a world where the statement is true. I question why I'm numb to people that go through the same things and troubles as myself. I'm relieved and grateful that I was someone they could pick up. I'll look back on this moment and know that I'm a little loved. I'm surrounded by nothing but good energy, even when blizzards stop me in my tracks. This reminds me of the fact that I haven't done a snowfro this winter!

Alas, since the weather was dismal I stayed here in larryville. Yes, that's right ; I sat in my empty apartment for Christmas. I still beg to say it was the best decision ever. I convinced my mother that it's in her best interests to not come and get me during a blizzard... To a normal person it would be a no brainer, but to a mother it's inconceivable. I wonder if the brain overloads itself in situations like this for the parent. It's so amazing the resolve parents, at least mine, have for getting something done when it comes to their progeny. Reason won in the end, no matter how hard The Gods struggled with me on this one. The day went by fairly quickly, probably since I stayed up till 6am playing my game of thoughtless wonder only to awake at noon. Slightly refreshed, I start my day with food and the two gifts left to me by some friends. The silence of the apartment is just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes , I get overwhelmed by it all. The working in retail (where constant clamor and emotion comes at you non stop), roommate mingling, and coffee shop dates. It gets taxing as you slowly realize your feet can't keep up. The empathic code is crumbling under the pressure of so much energy, So much energy I love to devour. But this silence, my silence, cures everything. The blank slate restored yet again. Later that evening, I think of braving the weather out of boredom to visit a friend. It failed, My willpower did not match the strength of the snow. I possibly needed more pushing or in this case shoveling. The day goes on, I stay up till 4 and sleep to the sound of Puppetmaster. (I would like to be one someday.)

The fated Saturday, the day I'm supposed to go into work. I get up, talk to my mom about the days events. "I'd much prefer you call in," She says concerned and concrete, "if they don't like it ; we'll take it from there." I hang up the phone and make my way to the front door. I open it, wind gusting through, and see the world for all of its horrific beauty. Snow covers the world, as if the ice age hit twice over. I take it all in, turn around and shut the door behind me. I slowly pick up my phone, weight the decision I'm about to make and call into work. I hang up and my brain jumps for joy ; I have just given myself a three day weekend. I call my parent and relay the good news, she excited at the decision says she's coming up to give me food. One hour later, my kitchen is full of nothing but deliciousness. Homemade love on a platter. We hug, say our short good byes, and wish it could last longer. But we both know reality is too strong for now, no time to worry about the things that pop up in our heads on a whim. Unless it's of course driving across the highway to give your son a hug, a kiss, and a bag full of food.

This is ultimately the story of how I got myself a THREE FUCKING DAY WEEKEND. I love winter, even more when it snows.

Horrible Holidays

2009-12-24T02:18:00.003-06:00

I don't know why I've grown to despise the holidays. Lately, It has all been getting to me. Constantly working and staying later than usual makes my brain want to explode. Human etiquette is going out the window and shifting into a dark primal state. I'm doing mediocre work at a low grade job ; I always try my best. If you are in my way - You die. The want for social interaction has basically drifted out the window ; Except for one special person. Maybe I need a break or a new job. I'm hoping there's a snow storm so big that I'm forced to call into work. I've come to an executive decision that it really just isn't worth it.

Nothing hurts worse than doing shitty work at somewhere a child could probably work...the finishing blow is that you care. It' is a bit scary to slowly see yourself slipping, I hope there's something behind me to catch my fall besides my ass.

A pillow to hit my head on would be nice, Good Night!

Quote of the Moment.

2009-12-15T23:29:00.002-06:00

"Because sometimes it’s easier to say, “I hate you,” than “I miss you, I wish we didn’t fight; I wish you would call me sometimes.” Because sometimes, it’s easier to think, screw life, screw work, screw everything, than admit that you’re overwhelmed and feel like you’re drowning. Because sometimes, it’s easier to admit the simple things than say the hard things and realize how much you’ve been struggling and how much you feel as if life has gone out of your control" - Unknown

It's time to do the hard things, I'm done swallowing so much water!

The past two days in a nut shell

2009-12-09T22:30:00.002-06:00

Chris wants Johnny Cash for Christmas, it's marginally cold, and car accidents are slightly awesome to watch live.

Hell, I want Johnny Cash for Christmas....

Channel Changling

2009-12-07T21:23:00.003-06:00

So, lately I've been slightly re-watching The L Word episodes ; I really like this show if you haven't noticed. Half the joy for me is going back through the shows and noticing the exact moment, if not part of it, a character changes. The sheer uplift of confidence alongside the downpour of depression that spews from their body. Whether it's speaking up or starting blood shed. Once this happens you know they are being pushed somewhere, for better or for worse. It's exciting to feel as if you notice something essential.

I've been testing myself, to try and notice these sorts of changes in everyone around me. It's quite exhilarating and mind tingling when it happens ; It's such a fleeting moment ending in a blink of the eyes. You talk on the phone to your mother only to hear a statement of complete confidence, beyond the woman that lost her husband 7 years ago. This caged cockatiel has been let out the cage only to transform into an eagle making her proverbial nesting grounds. As this split second happens, you realize that they are going to be alright. The change is abrupt and unfaltering. A friend portraying that they aren't going to be uncomfortable at the expense of another, taking complete responsibility for the actions taken. No matter what the consequence and situation of the other. The world stands out to know that you are in control of your own libido and personal entanglements. From the one night stand to the date of a lifetime.

What forces this blindsided change until it's solidified into muscle memory. What complete cosmic change forces us to find another self in the midst of it all. You wake up and find yourself more connected to someone you rarely see ; Habitually texting just from the high of Eros. The Gods always warned me of you. Only to find yourself to be alone surrounded and suffocated at The Last Supper. (This in no way means I undervalue my friends.) Adapt so that time can be had for yourself, to buy something for yourself, or to steal away a moment for another. You mimic Phaeton and hope that you have a stronger hand ; Another disaster need not happen in this world. It's a double edged sword, this change, as you begin to numb, isolate, and dissipate yourself from the world at large. "But at least they know. At least we're all together on this." It's a metamorphosis that rips your heart open and spills everything on the floor , in hopes that someone can help you recognize what all that blood means. Be it a grand stain knowing you refuse to be put out of house and home, a home wrecker, or that you just know you can't work retail for the rest of your life.

They say change is constant, but know one ever tells you that you'll probably have to keep getting to know yourself. Even if it's only for a brief fleeting moment.

All Purpose Cleaner and Febreze

2009-12-02T00:59:00.006-06:00

After coming home , high off of my Tuesday Chris meetings, and winding down a little bit I prepare for an evening of The L Word and hanging with Bailey. At the beginning of this process I take Paco out of his terrarium and a blanket to feel like I exist in this world of pairs. We hang around like two crazy boys with no care in the world for about 2 hours. He slithers for his dark places inside the couch and I pull him back into the light, it's so fitting for me ; I'm know he hates it though since he loves dark and warm places. Alas in a moments notice I hear this familiar releasing of air coming from Paco ; He has gotten comfortable on my lap. Paco, stretched out in his 5 foot long grandeur lifts his tail in preparation for the big bang. I sit there in wonder and in a split of a moment in shit. Thankfully I reacted in time, save for a small blanket smudge, to move him from my lap and over our brown carpet floor. Good thing landlords and complex owners plan for this. Needless to say, after he was done defecating, the youngster was set back into the terrarium. Then the chemical gods whispered into my ear what must be done immediately! All purpose cleaner: check, Febreze: check, and crisis diverted. All in all , I love that kid ; what we have is real!

And I'm Back In The Game!

2009-11-30T00:39:00.003-06:00

So...I'm back to this writing shindig. My laptop crashed and thus I had to lay low for a while and then Black Friday reared it's vicious and disgusting head. I purchased myself a new poooter and it's awesome saucesome. It was worth it, scars and all! It was 500 bucks and now I'm in the hole, I've felt more alive. Till the morrow. Hopefully this'll be the only thing to drag me away from my constant gaming aside from my books. :D

You've Got Some Catching Up To Do

2009-09-06T06:57:00.003-05:00

So much has happened since my last blog, I've been occupied and distracted. This week I got myself a PSP (A little gift to myself since I NEVER do that) and it's been pretty fucking amazing. Sadly it's been pretty fucking amazing at numbing myself from the real world. "Everywhere Just Got Better" But honestly , I don't need friends anymore as long as this thing is in my hands and I have cute cats and magical powers at my side. Also that means I'm tight on money till my next pay check. It makes you feel so alive to struggle inside just for a pint of fun ; These sleepless nights never seemed so worth it till now. I wonder when this shiny and new smell will wear off. Hopefully just in time for you to save me.

In This Day and Age I'll amount to nothing. Someone made me recognize the fact that I refuse to live beyond my means equates to owning nothing and ultimately dying a tragic death. (I'm honestly fine with that). "You won't be able to own a house without credit" I'll be homeless, fuck your credit cards and your fake money. I didn't sign up for this imaginary life - I didn't sign up for a temporary situation. I didn't sign up at all, I don't want to be approved. The consumerist state constantly poisons my soul, I wish I could honestly just catch the bird flu instead. I'm more at ease with a biological epidemic than a social construct. No one wants a scrub, this supports my theory about myself just fine - trying just isn't enough these days ; I wish I could save you.

Fast food and quick living, I want it now! I'm out of place waiting in a world that doesn't stop for a person trying to learn a new skill. You either learn it on the go, or get the fuck out. As if new systems and old functions have been permanently etched into our DNA. We look at simple tasks and say "I could do that, why can't you." Why aren't we built to learn the same way at the same rate? Why aren't we just built to learn in general? Clearly we've forgotten how slow Darwin works. Neohumans better show up soon or we're all just fucked to hell. Us so called unextraordinary people will be left walking ; Everyone else flying the skies and changing pencils into flowers. It must be grand to be so destined and concretely settled into a path ; They say knowledge is everything (they just don't tell you that it should be directed towards yourself first). There are a den of lions waiting to eat you up once you take that shot. But my mom has learned to texts me every time I don't pick up the phone, so maybe there's still hope for the world and evolution.

Did I land here because I hate taking complete chances, even though I'm supposed to be a huge gambler. I only take chances on things I'm almost certain I'll win. Except you... "I'm Yours" just doesn't cover it all Jason. I can't decide if I'm more giddy or insulted by myself that I'm giddy. It's such a cliche and yet I've fallen in love with the text , the sound , and the idea of it. We're such an odd and awkward match that it could be successful. You're the best shot I've got at this, everything else is just fishy and blurred faces in the background. I can learn to fit you in this busy schedule of life. You'll have to fit in my mouth and mind ; we don't fit anywhere else amongst these robots doing the disco , more specifically I don't fit in that world. I crave attention, but more specifically I want you ; Is cheating even an option when there are no hand cuffs? You won't do it and someone else will, that must mean you're worth while. That's what they say. Yep Yep That's What Momma says. If only I was actually speaking of tears , rain drops, and broken hearts. Keyblades are way more exciting than this little game we've got going on.

I've come to a slight decision that I need to move out of this town ; farther away from the proverbial home. There's nothing here for me beyond cute faces, people who barely know me, and revamped dreams. It's time to make new friends who hopefully read me better or worse. I know that might be too much to hope for, I've had 22 years to keep my deepest feelings inside behind a face of many faces. I augment myself with such a great facade. I could be completely sad with a smile on my face, empathy is such an amazing skill set when you want to hide everything about yourself. I should learn to learn that I need turn it off sometimes, but as long as people keep feeding the lack of interests I'll keep feeding the hunger.

"Sometimes it’s easier to say that you don’t care… than to explain all the reasons why you do."

I look around and go back through the memories of my life and can honestly say I've never really had a terrible experience. That pretty much keeps me excited and optimistic about my life. These fairy tales are just so hard to leave on the bookshelf sometimes. Especially when they are littered with such wordly language.

Bah Hum Bug

2009-08-22T02:07:00.003-05:00

The funny thing is that I shouldn't even allow myself to get remotely annoyed. This predicament and lifestyle is totally lost upon me ; quite possibly even yourself (doubtful, but I'd like to think so). We don't owe one another anything beyond your basic hellos and good byes. Beyond the fact that we are cordial and talk, doesn't erase the factor of the acquaintance. This trying to create something out of nothing, when no one will budge, is obsolete and tiring. I can't say no and you can't say yes. When we actually go against our nature the other can't possibly follow through. I'm not climbing up these walls anymore, just for you to stand there and look in awe. I'm better than this ; I don't do this, and I'm the idiot that thinks you would realize that. I don't have ploys of bad intention or ploys in general. I'll continue to put my hopes and dreams where they rightfully belong ; along with leaving these fairy tales at the library. Honestly, it just doesn't map out just quite right when my life is already in the perfect order. But still I'm the adolescent who thinks the climax is totally worth us blowing kisses across foreign waves.

Our loss huh?

These dreams of grandeur sadly attributes all these problems to me ; You're too beyond dreaming these days, only nightmares in your wake. To think we thought we could wipe them all out.

New Days

2009-07-31T23:36:00.001-05:00

I've been sitting here trying to think up something in my brain to write. Something I find interesting and worth while ; Alas it all slips away from me at this point. Tomorrow marks the day that I'll start the next "year" of my life. Something you and I might see set in stone ; Hopefully It will all comes crashing down just so I can build it all back up in perfect order again , it'll at least be a whirl. I hope to make new decisions, new friends, new relationships, and a lot of changes.

So I'll leave you with this quote, because I love my quotes. If you haven't noticed.

"We always ask if there’s still hope left or if there’s still time. But we never realize that hope only leaves when we doubt it and time only runs out the moment we give up."

— Unknown

I tend to like the quotes by those who are unknown, clearly those in hiding have better insight.

Him and a lot of others.

2009-07-25T21:41:00.005-05:00

When it all boils down to it, are we all just running on these inferior/superior complexes? Less than and better than are quantitative things that I never thought applied to us. Clearly science is right, which is why I doubt I'll fit.

These moods come at the most inopportune times. Who knows, maybe we are a little bit jealous. But honestly I don't think it's too much to ask for, when I figure I do it all the time. But then again, this is how I portray myself to the world.

One of three things will happen tonight...I'll keep you updated!

You know

2009-07-24T13:09:00.004-05:00

" As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back." - Unknown

Sonya's right, I have gone from being super dark to somewhat of a hopeful in my writing. It's a bit exiting.

Ffoeg

2009-07-24T12:57:00.002-05:00

It would be much easier between us if you'd just ask, instead of making me pull it out of you ; hoping for the right reaction. Oh well, it's still fun.

Did I Ask You For Attention When Affection Is What I Need!?

2009-07-22T01:20:00.006-05:00

Lately, I've been listening to Metric's latest album hardcore. It has me thinking lawts. You know the celluloids and the make believes. Where I'm going, how i'm getting there. If I'm comfortable in my own skin or not. The so called big questions that everyone's dying to get answered. But then again that kind of stuff is always on my mind. I hope it's on everyone elses as well.

Honestly, I've just been thinking about myself. I'm wondering if I'm discontent as of late with most things in my life right now because that's what most of society, the world, people around me tell me I should be or if I'm really feeling this way because I need/want a change. I feel uncomfortable about a lot of things in my control ; my reinventing hasn't gone far enough , at least in the direction I want it to go towards. This healthy image of mind , body, and soul has been deteriorating one day at a time. I don't mean the usual "healthy" of being a stereotypical meat head, a puritan of heart, or meditating all day. I just mean for myself ; someone I can be comfortable with , without looking at the mirror and saying "What happened to us." This life of mine is now a constant battle of Me vs. Living. I'm currently losing, time to take the gloves off and even the score , because I refuse to believe this is an unfair match in any way with all these tricks up my sleeve! "Every living thing pushed into the ring, fight it out to wow the crowd. Guess you thought you could just watch ;No one's getting out without Stadium Love!"

I'm in this limbo of a world, not content but neither discontent enough to do anything about it. Maybe this is caused by comparing myself too much to the normal world at large. But it's hard not to see yourself in a different light when it's apparent you're not like the 500 billion other entities around you. Do I fret so much over nothing? Over the fact that I'm completely different and an oddity amonst such frequent characters. I'm honestly more afraid that I'm just a minor supporting character ; the person that is sacrificed to move the story along. Powers taken away, just to meet an end. Used to capture the flag and forgotten about for the sake of victory. But that's ok , we still won! This sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that tells you that you're nothing beneath extraordinary can easily be underminded. Ironically it's the main reason that I feel uneasy half the time. I'm trying to step up to the challenge, even if a good majority around me have silver spoons and I use my hands like a barbarian. Once I depart from this life, at least I can say I was extraordinary in my own respect ; Brilliant to myself , because self relevance has some sort of worth...right?

The easy jokes are beginning to seep under the skin and create a poison reaction. Taint me with doubt and rid me of the confidence (the few of it) I had. They shouldn't even affect me, I don't know why they randomly do just that. Such uncreative discourse should not change how I feel. But it's still good to know I've got the whole world fooled. This barricaded facade will only fall down with nukes. To bad war is right at our doorsteps everyday. Just a matter of time...

Lets hope a change of scenery, situations, stipulations, and a snake named Paco will make the world a little more bright.

Thought of the Moment

2009-07-19T21:59:00.002-05:00

We're such an obnoxious species.

I'm sure I'll elaborate upon this much later and you won't even know it.

The Revolution Is Here

2009-07-15T10:53:00.005-05:00

So soon it'll be 1 year since I've been doing this on my own. I have practically nothing to show for it ; aside the bruises upon my soul and the dirt in my hair. Maybe this is what the world calls living ; I'm still up for the challenge. Only this time around, I'm not gonna be such a pacifist. Time to start kicking and screaming back at the world.

It's always exciting to see myself become this completely new person along side the people I know and love. I suppose I'm grateful I have things to look back upon ; The Harbinger of darkness has faded. I never expected to be where I am at this point in time ; To take control, be entitled, and genuinely excited about creating yourself. Is this what most of the world is feeling?

I've ridden railroads, made people I barely know love me, been convicted of a misdemeanor, and still remain optimistic. Clearly I am capable of anything and can take over the world one day at a time. Who wants to be a apart of this shit with me?!

So maybe this is it?

2009-05-07T02:23:00.003-05:00

"Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.

— Buddy Buie and J.R. Cobb, “Rock Bottom”

I think maybe I'm waiting to hit the very bottom so that where I go it's nothing but up. But I can never be sure if my life started at Rock Bottom and my first cross road was a dead end...

Comfort

2009-04-19T13:54:00.002-05:00

It's comforting to know someone somewhere was thinking on the exact same lines that you are on such an important thing as friendship. Lately, I've been thinking friendship as giving all the keys to someone(s) to break your character, being, and self-esteem and them choosing to do the exact opposite on a regular basis consciously.

While stumbling I found this:

As a friend, try to let an unfavorable incident or remark fly right over the top of your head. We all blurt out something stupid or do something regrettable at times, and it's so nice when the other acts as if it never happened. This is a dear friend.

I don't know who said this but I think it's kind of similar.

I also somehow manage to forget the curative powers of a good night's sleep/nap.
IT BLOWS YOUR MIND!

Well, it's time to continue my life and start Create-A-Meal with Steven in my kitchen. You're gonna miss out!

I Am No Masterpiece

2009-04-11T19:55:00.004-05:00

Every time I come back I say to myself "It'll be different this time, because I'm excited to go back for a little bit." This is never the case. I enter feeling unwelcome and completely devoid of belonging, with nothing to do but sit there and rot there surrounded by people who hover around me, I hate hovering ; At least I do in this place. When the first thing you hear is a complete bash upon who you are, or what you want to be as you enter.It's like having a taste of freedom and then willfully putting yourself back into shackles.

I'm tired of dealing with it, all the anger that comes along with stepping foot into that place. It's not my family's fault, they have no idea how I feel ; I'm beginning to think they could care less of how I feel. I go back and I'm completely set right back to how I used to be, teen angst and all. Except this time, this teen has no reason to be there other than that they would love to see him. This teen is for some reason obligated by genetics and upbringing to stick around and endure such shitty circumstances, for the sake of the pack. Endure looking at such an easily cleared out place that used to be my room. Why would I want to come back to a place I was so easily moved out of? Hell, my room was invaded the first year I stepped out the house. I should have taken that as a sign that I shouldn't come back at all. While junk just piles up with no regard for space, no regard beyond keeping keep sakes and "not having time". It's disgustingly fitting what we've built for ourselves and how this world shoves you into a random concoction.

Possibly I feel this way because then I reflect so closely upon myself. When I'm there I feel trapped. I feel trapped and then I go crazy, I try to get out ; I want to get out. But I always feel trapped by my life and the events that occur ; Do I really just need to get used to it? When I'm there I realize all the things I dislike about my mom. I love her, I adore her - I'd be shattered without her. But all the things I see when I'm there, are obviously why I am what I am. The things I need to change in myself are obviously things she probably would not want to change in her life. Never wanting to go anywhere by herself (like me), always out of the house (like me when I'm not there), so giving that leeches are just forming parasitic colonies around the hearth (I hope to The Gods that is not me down the line...).

They live in an old dynamic of things that I find completely archaic and annoying, where the males are put upon a thrown by merit of phallic right rather than achieved. It's quite possible I don't know how it even works, what do I know how relationships work. It's not like I have had one, ever. But I know what I would want out of it, and what I observe there is not it. Maybe I'm missing the whole point of it, maybe it's not done just because that's how it should be, but how they want it to be - or at least how it turns out to be in couples. But I still feel as if I'm generations apart from them and I can't turn back , time told me not to look back and just pray that what I believe is correct. Not that what they believe is wrong in any way, I just want something other than that. Something wholeheartedly better for myself.

I'm just tired of picking up , cleaning up, and rebooting the past when I have my whole future ahead of me. I'm tired of Yielding for people who don't even think about or see that I need some yielding of my own. I'm angry that I'm completely programmed the way I am because my parents thought it would be a great idea to have me. It must suck to look at the creation you made and realize that they despise so many things about you, that you fucked them up and made them completely awesome all in the same motion. Well fuck being created by someone else , I'm hardly done painting myself in this world.

Realize This

2009-04-09T14:33:00.005-05:00

I've come to realize a bunch of things about myself over these past few days. Lets make a huge ass list shall we?!

- All this walking to work clears my head so much that I have almost nothing to blog about because a nice walk resolves EVERYTHING
- I spend so much time getting to work and working it leaves me almost no time to work on myself, because after all that Free Time always wins.
- If the sun did not burn into my cornea's along side the wind blowing me away, I probably would not consider walking to work anymore.
- Every dog I see makes me realize how far I would go to get one. This plan will be revealed soon enough.
- My life is currently one big struggle versus hat hair. The hats are currently winning the battle even if the war is far from over!
- My understand of life, love, and beauty are completely different from the general masses. I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life because of it and that's totally fine with me.
- I enjoy my time alone way more than I seem to think. I'm gonna learn to make more time for it.
- I still love people.

I'm sure there were more realizations, but I manage to forget them on my sun burning, wind throwing marathon walks of late.

It's Probably All My Fault, All My Fault.

2009-03-21T00:17:00.011-05:00

Lately, I find myself looking around and thinking "How did I even get here?". 'Here' mostly meaning your standing point with people. How they perceive you be they friends or just a random acquaintance. I've always been interested in making friends. It's like my own personal challenge - to see just how fast I can get someone to befriend me, open up, and be comfortable around me to talk about mostly everything. I've gotten pretty good at it, I think ; possibly without even trying. It's like my own personal little super power in this shell of mediocrity. But I'm getting a little off track. I see how I've managed to get immensely closer and closer to people I've known for years as well as months. While some have just had a wedge put in between us.

All of this happened in an instant without me noticing ; Maybe the other parties in question did? I'm not saying that these friends are any less or more friends than the other. Things change, friendships and loves vary, I'd still lend a hand or ear if I'm summoned. It's like looking back and realizing you have no control over the course of your life completely. As you slowly get wrapped up in yourself , your life - your situation, somehow you blind yourself to the fluctuation between everyone. Until it's too late, until both parties have solidified the change ; After you give up trying to call or once you find yourself calling all the time. It's like living in a time vortex, sucked in and spat out in a shit storm of emotions and connections ; for better or for worse. "The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change." But honestly the outcome is somewhat on myself. Something in that person pops up like a firecracker, something always there and unpredictable - you suddenly just notice ; You either like it or not. Distance is the variable. So many variables... Until you don't have to weight the variables anymore. But I guess that's what they call true friends! At least that's what I'm hoping at this juncture.

These thoughts have got me thinking about how we present ourselves to the world. Your aura, essence, soul, and/or face (whatever we want to call it) seems like it has this template. This template for people to just pick up on and interact. Maybe it's just what we perceive as a first impression. I've seen and interacted with plenty of random people to try and figure it out. Mostly I'm just paranoid about my self-image ; how I portray myself and how I'm perceived.

I have this theory, as crazy as it may be, that I have general black genes. In the pot luck of baby making The Gods, Evolution, Genetics, and Chance got bored of making new faces and was like "BAM give him the Steven face!" (I say Steven face because it IS my face, I know it as nothing else.) Too many people look like me ; I look like too many other people? For me it's a blessing and a curse. When equipped with a familiar face it gets people to open up , which is pretty much my goal in life, I'm trustworthy and a friend upon first or second meeting. It's a pretty sweet gig. But on the flip side, I'm likened to that of so many characters - unfamiliar, flat one-dimensional characters. Familiar enough to remember on a face value, but not completely enough as a human being , just a character from that one story with that one guy. I should be honored to have such strong willed genes, maybe these were the good ones. I could start an army of myself! Yeah...I am gonna take over the world! Possibly this is perceived that way because I'm so unkept. This concept called beauty must have been created to carve out your own personal image. I never really grasped that very well though.

"For the life of me, I could never understand why women's clothes must be so damn complicated."
"It's just our way of expressing ourselves I suppose. "
"Whatever do you mean?"
"Well you have so many ways of expressing yourselves, where as we must make due with our hats and our dresses."

But that's not really my only qualm with my world. I've set up this life where even though I starve for some sort of attention and recognition ; I set up the fact that it's completely OK to overlook me, that I'll be perfectly fine if not. Even though I'm not a blip to my friends and people I'm honestly touched and moved by. So maybe the universe knows such quirky things about me. Possibly that's why I get stuff thrown at me on a whim, screaming "Oh damn!". The universe is testing me to change or stay the same. I don't think I want to change though, I'm happy with who I am for the most part. I'm just one ball of contradiction (aren't we all). I shout for people to open up and say what they really want, voice it aloud with conviction. When all I do is hide in the corner and submit to their wants and needs. I shroud myself just a little bit, just so I seem not so bright , or just so others don't seem so dim. I haven't figured out which yet. (Yes, I'm being over dramatic ; I feel it is required at this point.) But I'm getting to the brink, the bottleneck of it all. "The more comfortable I get, the more afraid I get. The more I'm willing to expose, the more I want to hide." I'm gonna spill over with truth and the world will have to soak it all into its roots. Some will celebrate in joy and some will cry out in blasphemy. I know it'll be worth it though, because in the end - if I think it was worth it. It was worth it. So maybe it is time to reinvent myself - reinvent this template of a person into something more unique and memorable(is that even possible?). Although, I believe and feel like I'm at the whim of chaos and chance, I refuse to believe I can't make some changes and order out of it myself. So until I'm on solid ground, I'll continue to believe that all these look a likes are my superpower to multiply myself unharnessed. That all these people shining around a bright star ; empathy to the max. Because honestly, I'm pretty god damn amazing at times. They are pretty god damn amazing all the time.

Ruh Roh

2009-03-04T11:26:00.004-06:00

The sting of shitty hours rears its ugly head. Looks like I'll have to be a little more responsible from now on! I could just be in complete disarray because it's rent week. It could also be the constant drinking and buying alcohol for 3 days every week. I may need to slow down, for my life.I also find it completely hard to make a post without devoting tons of time to it. I'm so Obsessive Compulsive about silly shit.

Anyways time to shower and head to work!

Some People Think We're Stupid But We're Not

2009-02-23T20:42:00.015-06:00

This is my form of being productive on a day off. So I don't feel as if my brain is turning into complete wasted Kinetic Energy. Also before we get started don't take to strong the post below. It was done in drunken stupor - It holds some but not a lot of weight (At least for me). I'd like to think my rational thinking mind has more influence than that done on liquored up impulses of dark little thought out i truths.

LET THE BRAINING BEGIN!

As of late work is beginning to become increasingly monotonous and bullshit. I imagine that's what happens with every job ; mostly every job. I really did not have high expectations, I just expected myself to last longer in the mind numbing monster of a work force. It's a bit embarrassing to feel completely drained from doing something so robotic and routine. Something that requires nothing but initial human reactions (even though some of us are incapable of just being a decent human). I get by with songs in my head (Thank The Gods for KC!) , thinking out my life , and getting giddy when adorable seniors come by for their coffee. It's possible that I'm just angry that all the people watch in the break room is Politics or Sports. If you know me, you know I could care less for either. I'm a bad American.

I find myself amassing major pet peeves. This is new territory for me, nothing used to bother me enough to be urked by it. They mostly surface at work, but there are a few that have busted out at my apartment with my roommate. I hate when people don't say "Hi" back to me before they order, I'm not your servant - greet me ya dick. I believe customer service has ruined us as a species. I hate that people don't have enough manners to know that you throw away your trash before you leave a food court ; That we're all mostly on the verge of a break down from impatience and self entitlement. I have more to do at my job than to "serve" you. I'm providing a service, treat me with respect and I'll do the same with you, so smile at me when I smile at you. I'm not nice for my health (I really am, but they don't know that)! Those are most of my qualms with work, aside from the fact that they value your existence only as far as you can make it into work. I'm amazing, treat me like I am. My roommate is fairly good, most of the time, as much as I complain about her to other people. I love her to death, she's just a tad overpowering from time to time. Negativity is like poison to me, I try to block it as much as possible. But that's not what really bugs me. I've finally weeded her from keeping tabs on the cleaning (1 for me). But I hate when she gets ice and doesn't refill the trays, I don't know why that bugs me. I even have a tray to put all the ice in to use so you can then refill the trays. But she just doesn't. Maybe it's because I do it out of habit - who knows. It's small but bugs me nonetheless.

I need to make more time for myself to read. I feel my intelligence , the little I do have, slipping away. I never lost my fire for learning, for actually figuring out stuff. But now there just seems like there's no time for it. It also sucks trying to defend the fact that I'm still smart while not being in any form of educational outlet. It's really just not that easy for me, It's not black and white. I've spent the past 6 months trying to save some form of cash and still managed to do the exact opposite (I'm not a money spending fiend either). Things come up, I know that - It just sucks that THINGS do come up on a regular basis for me. Ashly phrased it best "All of your shit doesn't work" LOL Livin the minority lower class life is glorious. I'm having fun, even though my ass is broke. haha Thing will get better, they can only go up from here right?

I just hate that this life is all about presentation rather than substance. I blame the males of the species for creating the concept of beauty.

P.S. I've taken a lesson from Amanda on using the labels function. It's quite fun!

The Question Still Stands

2009-02-15T04:03:00.002-06:00

Would I date myself if it came down to it...I'm still on the fence and that REALLY scares me.

Tell Me What You Think About Being Open

2009-02-11T23:40:00.003-06:00

I feel as if I'm being tested. That my life is constantly throwing crazy shit at me , just so The God's can see how much optimism I can exude from my pores. As if I'm being conditioned for something grand, or slightly less mediocre. But I fear that this lovely smile will fade in the face of so many traumatic events.

So much action has been packed in this last week. I've had my car break down in the middle of the road, thus rendering me back to square one ; thankfully someone stopped to help me push it! Walked to work without a coat on a nice day, ended up leaving in the shit storm of waterfall - needless to say, I got all wet. I've also set a friend to an acquaintance level , because I'm not gonna wait around forever till this person gets it. Sadly I'm perfectly fine with letting the person drift away into silence. "I'm just gettin too fuckin old for that shit." Besides after typing all this out, it does not seem all that bad. Things could be worse off than they really are at this point. I'm completely fine with how my life is going, I can only hope that what I'm doing and enduring right now will pay off - for me - as a person. There goes that optimism again! Divine chuckling in the sky. I fear for my legs as wait for my decent karma to help and bail me out.

I need a break, from myself - from life ; from everything. A self delusional break from feeling like I put more effort into living than most people ; completely irrational , I know ; I know better! It just sucks feeling like one against the world with no remorse or cause!

The Infamous Post

2009-02-05T01:43:00.003-06:00

So here we are again, blogging, at this venture. This post is gonna be short and sweet. Time to lay out my thoughts of the past few years. Hopefully this will revamp my life and shape me up as I tumble every step. As to save myself from getting too intense and involved - I'll continue to finish watching Deathproof with the best people I've ever met thus far!