Winter Week

So lets start with Thursday shall we....

Everyone said it would snow, that is just something that happens around this season. I thought nothing of it. I begin my journey to work. The world looked lost and desolate , no one in sight with pitch black clouds in the sky. I should have taken heed of such an obvious warning, but alas I merrily went along to work. I get to my half way point, stopped in my tracks by the traffic light and cars zooming by me. "Oh look it's sprinkling!" My mind racing with excitement from the elements. As I'm generally amazed when it begins to do anything weather related, aside from sunny and clear skies. I get three fourths of the way to work, and it begins to start a spit fire of rain/snow. I get to work and dry off, thankful for the fact that I missed the worst of it.

All day at work I prepare myself for an onslaught of snow. This place that I usually can't wait to step out of has me begging to stay till The Gods are done with their handy work. My pride stops me from seeking out help ; it's gonna get me killed someone (just you watch). Alas, friends to the rescue - maybe they realize I wouldn't dare ask? I'm saved from my blizzard filled dreams (Not the Dairy Queen kind) as I step into the moving fortress. The world around me covered in white. The flakes mimic debris as we pass five people, one holding a baby, on the street waiting for a bus out of their current existence. "I saw a man walking down the street and wanted to pick him up, but then I realized I can't pick everyone up." Michael says calmly. I ponder this statement, wondering why we actually live in a world where the statement is true. I question why I'm numb to people that go through the same things and troubles as myself. I'm relieved and grateful that I was someone they could pick up. I'll look back on this moment and know that I'm a little loved. I'm surrounded by nothing but good energy, even when blizzards stop me in my tracks. This reminds me of the fact that I haven't done a snowfro this winter!

Alas, since the weather was dismal I stayed here in larryville. Yes, that's right ; I sat in my empty apartment for Christmas. I still beg to say it was the best decision ever. I convinced my mother that it's in her best interests to not come and get me during a blizzard... To a normal person it would be a no brainer, but to a mother it's inconceivable. I wonder if the brain overloads itself in situations like this for the parent. It's so amazing the resolve parents, at least mine, have for getting something done when it comes to their progeny. Reason won in the end, no matter how hard The Gods struggled with me on this one. The day went by fairly quickly, probably since I stayed up till 6am playing my game of thoughtless wonder only to awake at noon. Slightly refreshed, I start my day with food and the two gifts left to me by some friends. The silence of the apartment is just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes , I get overwhelmed by it all. The working in retail (where constant clamor and emotion comes at you non stop), roommate mingling, and coffee shop dates. It gets taxing as you slowly realize your feet can't keep up. The empathic code is crumbling under the pressure of so much energy, So much energy I love to devour. But this silence, my silence, cures everything. The blank slate restored yet again. Later that evening, I think of braving the weather out of boredom to visit a friend. It failed, My willpower did not match the strength of the snow. I possibly needed more pushing or in this case shoveling. The day goes on, I stay up till 4 and sleep to the sound of Puppetmaster. (I would like to be one someday.)

The fated Saturday, the day I'm supposed to go into work. I get up, talk to my mom about the days events. "I'd much prefer you call in," She says concerned and concrete, "if they don't like it ; we'll take it from there." I hang up the phone and make my way to the front door. I open it, wind gusting through, and see the world for all of its horrific beauty. Snow covers the world, as if the ice age hit twice over. I take it all in, turn around and shut the door behind me. I slowly pick up my phone, weight the decision I'm about to make and call into work. I hang up and my brain jumps for joy ; I have just given myself a three day weekend. I call my parent and relay the good news, she excited at the decision says she's coming up to give me food. One hour later, my kitchen is full of nothing but deliciousness. Homemade love on a platter. We hug, say our short good byes, and wish it could last longer. But we both know reality is too strong for now, no time to worry about the things that pop up in our heads on a whim. Unless it's of course driving across the highway to give your son a hug, a kiss, and a bag full of food.

This is ultimately the story of how I got myself a THREE FUCKING DAY WEEKEND. I love winter, even more when it snows.

Horrible Holidays

I don't know why I've grown to despise the holidays. Lately, It has all been getting to me. Constantly working and staying later than usual makes my brain want to explode. Human etiquette is going out the window and shifting into a dark primal state. I'm doing mediocre work at a low grade job ; I always try my best. If you are in my way - You die. The want for social interaction has basically drifted out the window ; Except for one special person. Maybe I need a break or a new job. I'm hoping there's a snow storm so big that I'm forced to call into work. I've come to an executive decision that it really just isn't worth it.

Nothing hurts worse than doing shitty work at somewhere a child could probably work...the finishing blow is that you care. It' is a bit scary to slowly see yourself slipping, I hope there's something behind me to catch my fall besides my ass.

A pillow to hit my head on would be nice, Good Night!

Quote of the Moment.

"Because sometimes it’s easier to say, “I hate you,” than “I miss you, I wish we didn’t fight; I wish you would call me sometimes.” Because sometimes, it’s easier to think, screw life, screw work, screw everything, than admit that you’re overwhelmed and feel like you’re drowning. Because sometimes, it’s easier to admit the simple things than say the hard things and realize how much you’ve been struggling and how much you feel as if life has gone out of your control" - Unknown

It's time to do the hard things, I'm done swallowing so much water!

The past two days in a nut shell

Chris wants Johnny Cash for Christmas, it's marginally cold, and car accidents are slightly awesome to watch live.

Hell, I want Johnny Cash for Christmas....

Channel Changling

So, lately I've been slightly re-watching The L Word episodes ; I really like this show if you haven't noticed. Half the joy for me is going back through the shows and noticing the exact moment, if not part of it, a character changes. The sheer uplift of confidence alongside the downpour of depression that spews from their body. Whether it's speaking up or starting blood shed. Once this happens you know they are being pushed somewhere, for better or for worse. It's exciting to feel as if you notice something essential.

I've been testing myself, to try and notice these sorts of changes in everyone around me. It's quite exhilarating and mind tingling when it happens ; It's such a fleeting moment ending in a blink of the eyes. You talk on the phone to your mother only to hear a statement of complete confidence, beyond the woman that lost her husband 7 years ago. This caged cockatiel has been let out the cage only to transform into an eagle making her proverbial nesting grounds. As this split second happens, you realize that they are going to be alright. The change is abrupt and unfaltering. A friend portraying that they aren't going to be uncomfortable at the expense of another, taking complete responsibility for the actions taken. No matter what the consequence and situation of the other. The world stands out to know that you are in control of your own libido and personal entanglements. From the one night stand to the date of a lifetime.

What forces this blindsided change until it's solidified into muscle memory. What complete cosmic change forces us to find another self in the midst of it all. You wake up and find yourself more connected to someone you rarely see ; Habitually texting just from the high of Eros. The Gods always warned me of you. Only to find yourself to be alone surrounded and suffocated at The Last Supper. (This in no way means I undervalue my friends.) Adapt so that time can be had for yourself, to buy something for yourself, or to steal away a moment for another. You mimic Phaeton and hope that you have a stronger hand ; Another disaster need not happen in this world. It's a double edged sword, this change, as you begin to numb, isolate, and dissipate yourself from the world at large. "But at least they know. At least we're all together on this." It's a metamorphosis that rips your heart open and spills everything on the floor , in hopes that someone can help you recognize what all that blood means. Be it a grand stain knowing you refuse to be put out of house and home, a home wrecker, or that you just know you can't work retail for the rest of your life.

They say change is constant, but know one ever tells you that you'll probably have to keep getting to know yourself. Even if it's only for a brief fleeting moment.

All Purpose Cleaner and Febreze

After coming home , high off of my Tuesday Chris meetings, and winding down a little bit I prepare for an evening of The L Word and hanging with Bailey. At the beginning of this process I take Paco out of his terrarium and a blanket to feel like I exist in this world of pairs. We hang around like two crazy boys with no care in the world for about 2 hours. He slithers for his dark places inside the couch and I pull him back into the light, it's so fitting for me ; I'm know he hates it though since he loves dark and warm places. Alas in a moments notice I hear this familiar releasing of air coming from Paco ; He has gotten comfortable on my lap. Paco, stretched out in his 5 foot long grandeur lifts his tail in preparation for the big bang. I sit there in wonder and in a split of a moment in shit. Thankfully I reacted in time, save for a small blanket smudge, to move him from my lap and over our brown carpet floor. Good thing landlords and complex owners plan for this. Needless to say, after he was done defecating, the youngster was set back into the terrarium. Then the chemical gods whispered into my ear what must be done immediately! All purpose cleaner: check, Febreze: check, and crisis diverted. All in all , I love that kid ; what we have is real!