Every time I come back I say to myself "It'll be different this time, because I'm excited to go back for a little bit." This is never the case. I enter feeling unwelcome and completely devoid of belonging, with nothing to do but sit there and rot there surrounded by people who hover around me, I hate hovering ; At least I do in this place. When the first thing you hear is a complete bash upon who you are, or what you want to be as you enter.It's like having a taste of freedom and then willfully putting yourself back into shackles.
I'm tired of dealing with it, all the anger that comes along with stepping foot into that place. It's not my family's fault, they have no idea how I feel ; I'm beginning to think they could care less of how I feel. I go back and I'm completely set right back to how I used to be, teen angst and all. Except this time, this teen has no reason to be there other than that they would love to see him. This teen is for some reason obligated by genetics and upbringing to stick around and endure such shitty circumstances, for the sake of the pack. Endure looking at such an easily cleared out place that used to be my room. Why would I want to come back to a place I was so easily moved out of? Hell, my room was invaded the first year I stepped out the house. I should have taken that as a sign that I shouldn't come back at all. While junk just piles up with no regard for space, no regard beyond keeping keep sakes and "not having time". It's disgustingly fitting what we've built for ourselves and how this world shoves you into a random concoction.
Possibly I feel this way because then I reflect so closely upon myself. When I'm there I feel trapped. I feel trapped and then I go crazy, I try to get out ; I want to get out. But I always feel trapped by my life and the events that occur ; Do I really just need to get used to it? When I'm there I realize all the things I dislike about my mom. I love her, I adore her - I'd be shattered without her. But all the things I see when I'm there, are obviously why I am what I am. The things I need to change in myself are obviously things she probably would not want to change in her life. Never wanting to go anywhere by herself (like me), always out of the house (like me when I'm not there), so giving that leeches are just forming parasitic colonies around the hearth (I hope to The Gods that is not me down the line...).
They live in an old dynamic of things that I find completely archaic and annoying, where the males are put upon a thrown by merit of phallic right rather than achieved. It's quite possible I don't know how it even works, what do I know how relationships work. It's not like I have had one, ever. But I know what I would want out of it, and what I observe there is not it. Maybe I'm missing the whole point of it, maybe it's not done just because that's how it should be, but how they want it to be - or at least how it turns out to be in couples. But I still feel as if I'm generations apart from them and I can't turn back , time told me not to look back and just pray that what I believe is correct. Not that what they believe is wrong in any way, I just want something other than that. Something wholeheartedly better for myself.
I'm just tired of picking up , cleaning up, and rebooting the past when I have my whole future ahead of me. I'm tired of Yielding for people who don't even think about or see that I need some yielding of my own. I'm angry that I'm completely programmed the way I am because my parents thought it would be a great idea to have me. It must suck to look at the creation you made and realize that they despise so many things about you, that you fucked them up and made them completely awesome all in the same motion. Well fuck being created by someone else , I'm hardly done painting myself in this world.
